Gte hit a new low, I took a poopnap, passed out mid poop on the toilet.
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
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