"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
So this whole chlamydia situation totally puts a damper on my back to school sex schedule, there's just no way of knowing who of them was the perpetrator... Time for new candidates
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
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