WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
my poor anus
The candles are lit, the magic circle is drawn, now all we need to do is get naked and see how many orgasms we can manage.
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
Randomize
