I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
also I was promised more toga parties by popular media
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
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