She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
Is it weird i consider You Sexy Thing our song?
i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
Did you get drunk last night? You put Christian lyrics as your fb status again.
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
Randomize
