Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
A disheveled girl in front of me just looked down, shrieked, and yelled to the girl next to her "what is this" while pointing at two large white stains near the crotch of her black jeans. I love that Thursdays are weekends, it makes awesome Friday mornings
I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
Randomize
