Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
Randomize
