just a forewarning-if you come home and hang out with your stupid girlfriend the entire time that you are here/fail to get wasted with us i will wish either death upon you or that you truly do turn gay when you return to the navy.
Nope changed our mind. Decided your strange bacon like body odor wasn't what we want to smell tonight.
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
We are back but we are listening to stairway to heaven in my car. Amy is air drums. Be back when it's over.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
