he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
Yea, i was tied up and blindfolded. And someone was throwing chicken nuggets at my face.
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
I'm still working on figuring out my birthday blowjob schedule. I'd love to just have all three of them get in there but I get the feeling they wouldn't like that.
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Randomize
