So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
You should have seen k-money last night. She was just hanging on to the toilet for half the night. By her fourth trip to puke, she started talking to it and was doing the voices for her and it. She kept saying "...we thank you for your continued business..." haha
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
He came and then made the Jim Halpert face. does that say disappointment or what
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
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