don't read that magazine bro. I came in it
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
Randomize