she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
Weird we were more concerned with sharing our germs than tag teaming the blow job?
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
Find out what day classes start and I will come down to Richmond that weekend. Any broad who claims to be 18-21 will be promptly ID'd. My job has trained me to spot a fake from a mile away, and I don't need a statutory rape charge.
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
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