Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
Where is everybody?
It's pretty much split between the strip club and jail.
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
is it weird that i just witnessed the marriage of someone ive had sex with on multiple occasions?
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