I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
Apparently that big girl from last night tried to take me upstairs when I was blacked out and all I did was grab Qs arm and whisper 'don't let her take me'
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
Randomize