So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
Currently having a discussion about how bad cheating is with the girl im dating and the girl im fucking. This might be a sign that i need to reassess my life
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
do you wanna get some fucking pussy tonight.....THEN DRESS LIKE IT
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
FIND ME A DICK TO RIDE THAT HOPEFULLY IS ATTACHED TO A CUTE PERSON AND NICE PERSONALITY
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED. Is it okay if I only get 2 out of 3?
The D is nonnegotable.
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
Randomize
