Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
I just showed my boobs to our astate representative hahahahahahha
we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
Theres also beggin' strips and a dog bone in the corner...nooo signs of there being a dog though.
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
Would be fun, plus since its in public I'll keep my penis in my pants
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
Randomize
