haha i took a picture of myself naked on her camera
She didnt have a camera...
I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
He probably has his cowboy hat on, that's his house hat.
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
I just want him to hold me after a bad midterm. Is that even too much to ask for after sleeping with him twice?
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
Randomize