My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
just heard a glass bottle fall in lecture and my first thought was to yell party foul.....is it friday yet?
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
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