so he expects you to be his vegas whore for the season. nice.
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
My vagina just clenched in fear
Randomize
