You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
No. untill you have done a puke that contains nothing but semen and tequila, you do not 'feel my pain'
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
The career specialist read an Onion article to us. Please send help.
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