If I was Danny Tanner and my wife died and left me with three kids I would hire a nanny rather than bringing in the sexually promiscuos uncle with a fetish for leather and rebellion and my obviously mentally ill (possibly gay) best friend Joey, who has never had a girlfriend and consistently talks in cartoon voices... a nanny is just a better choice
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
were talking about masturbation in my pysc class. He says it's healthy. I'm gonna live forever
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
The last thing I remember is pushing my way into the bathroom and dumping a 40 on him. We havent talked since.
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
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