My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
I saw that some person on TFLN used a bag of wine as a pillow. I tried it last night. I forgot to close the spout. I woke up and thought my face had a period
Ketchup is God's man juice
We went to red robin and there was a 15 minute wait so we went and fucked in the car. Quickies, endless fries, and a mascot handing out balloons- this is literally the night of my dreams.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
You spent the whole night conversing with your zombie poster, so I'd say you were pretty far gone.
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
Laying in bed naked is fun. I now see why guys love boobs... They're sooo bouncy! This long distance relationship is really killing my sex life.
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