I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
yes because when i jack off the first person i think about is christina applegate
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
I feel like I would bang a guy with a dick piercing just to say I have...like climbing a huge mountain or somethig
Robbie told me you spent 10 mins discussing the curl in his hair and that you said "with that curl in your hair, you'll go far"
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
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