I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
I want to fuck the side burns off of Steve.
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
Randomize
