I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
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