went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
Not to make her into that kind of girl, but she did have a condom mural
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
Randomize
