I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
I wish they made helmets for livers.
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
There are about 5 pictures of my dog taking a dump on my camera and 20 of Brandon taking one for "comparison" reasons.
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
i just wanna know who wrote "dibbz" on my ass?
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