drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
Those balls look pretty dangerous.
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
How the hell did he get a boner in that type of situation?
Sad Megan is Sad
Have you been drinking my beer?
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
Where do you think black out memories go?
Into the dark abysmal abyss of the deepest, darkest part of your mind. It's obviously the bodies natural defense to protect you from witnessing the shit you do while actually blacked out.
Randomize