I'm drinking ghetto ass mojitos!
Wow. How can mojitos be ghetto?
Squirt + bacardi limon + limes = ghetto mojitos
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
NO I FORBID YOU. THERE ARE BETTER VIRGINITIES OUT THERE WORTH KIDNAPPING.
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
Is valentines day the worst or best day to ask for a threesome? I'm weighing some options on this high-risk manoeuvre.
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
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