this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
he only lasted 2 minutes. he said it was because i was so pretty. i'm not sure what to feel right now.
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
no you're not allowed back
come on. everbeers was a great idea. you fucks had a great night
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
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