So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
The beers last night were like the tears from god
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
Just did the walk of shame in front of his dad while I was wearing his gym shorts and my heels from graduation last night. Keep it classy '12
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
