Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
He is going overseas for 8 months, not only was that blowjob a going away present, but i was supporting the troops
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
I know. I just don't want anything else. I have no other desire. Just a ham sandwich.
I honestly don't know what to make of that.
A ham sandwich would be nice.
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
Randomize
