I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
we've dated a week and made out twice. he is taking it slow. but his body is stupid sexy. just want him to stop respecting me and fuck me like a gutter slut. respect me later im not getting younger.
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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