haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
He makes this seasoned whore feel like a novice. I've met the one.
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
Randomize
