I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
Share, now.
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
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