How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
Spent the last thirty minutes staring at the wall with Leah. It's definitly moving
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Randomize
