Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
i think the fact that he graduated high school the year i graduated elementary school is sexy.
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
This is so fucking sad. Netherlands isn't even a real country.
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
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