It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
your facebook page is a work of drunk art.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
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