Is it wrong to want to cut a hole in the Tigger suit so I can molest you while I wear it?
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
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