clay aiken is like melissa ehteridge without the guitar.
She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
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