I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
PRINCE HARRY WAS AT WAL MART SO NEXT TIME YOU BITCH ABOUT GOING TO WAL MART REMEMBER THAT EVEN PRINCE HARRY GOES TO WAL MART.
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
no it was not a "magical experience". After we dropped, he just sat there staring at my laptop going "apple makes beautiful things".
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
Randomize
