I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
Randomize
