Taylor Swift is so right about you.
Something clean will definitely be barfed on tomorrow.
the boy next to me on the plane handed me a shot glass, then a perkaset, and told me to have a good week off..hellllo spring break.
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
My vagina senses are tingling. I know your here.
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
Randomize
