i cant decide if i should go fuck j*** or keep watching real genius
some 7 year old just told me his favorite rapper was eminem and kim got what she deserved...god damn today's youth is in a dark period
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
Randomize
