I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
ISS teacher has a tramp stamp.
Shotgun.
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
Standing straight up with intensity he came in his own mouth. I know this because he showed me the video from five different angles when asked if I would like him to demonstrate. And I did.
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
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