So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
See I am maturing. I just got in from my DRIVE of shame......
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
Randomize
