the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
In theory, it seemed like it would work.
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
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