I am at a 420 party and i just told a girl "hey, less not getting donuts, more getting donuts"(1-855): and did she get any doughnuts?
No. I am devastated
Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
Randomize
