we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
so we have roughly decided that hes the dude all the chicks will bang in college, just so he will do their term papers
Randomize
