i found her turbo button.....if you know what i mean.
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
Blow job season was short but glorious.
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
Randomize
