it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
I could really do without pictures of your asses in my inbox. That said, I'm extremely jealous that I wasn't involved.
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
Randomize
