i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
wait can you just look around please? that was my favorite bra and i've already asked like 3 other guys
three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
When everyone ask you tomorrow go ahead and tell them I'm the girl that fell of safe ride and was all bloody.
When asked if they had been introduced, Damo said "No but I know we've pretty much fucked all the same girls in town"
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
Randomize
