A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
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