Dude WTF? His teammate just started talkin to me on fb! Am I walking around with a "I like to f**k gators" on my forehead?
No, it just says ur easy
i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
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