He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
I'm sorry but all I really read was "my nipples will get hard."
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
college girl with braces trying to flirt with you...time to go
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