he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
When he was fingering me, it felt/looked like he was digging around for pocket change.
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
Randomize
