We had to be out of the dorms at 730. Meeting started at 8. I woke up at 948. Drunk and covered in glitter.
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
He brought over a bottle of tequila and a box of donuts with the Plan B, so I guess you could say things are getting pretty serious.
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
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