dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
I think I sprained my soul last night
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
why do all the dudes in this porno look like billy ray cyrus
The Olympian is in my bed
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
Randomize
