If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
i find it sad that i can no longer sit in the back of class for fear that someone will fart into the heater again.
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
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