i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
yeah i was sneaking up to her room and on the way i saw a picture of her and left
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Randomize
