Someone obviously heard us on their way to class. They stopped at my door and started singing afternoon delight.
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
I did something similar high once. I stopped like 30 feet in front of a stop sign because I felt like it was running towards me and I started crying. Got out my car and hugged it and told it not to run away people need it.
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
Randomize
