remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
