DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
This freshman just ran out of her seat in a 200 person lecture, opened the emergency door and vommed everywhere. Then quietly went back to her seat. $2 Pitchers hit someone hard last night.
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
I can't be held responsible for what I do for you after a blowjob like that.
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