At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
I mean I'm into guys with money but more into guys I'm actually attracted to
yeah i guess i'd rather he was hot than rich
wow i don't know if that qualifies as growing up but if it does i'm all in
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
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