i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
I feel like fucking him is something we all do but don't want to admit to. like masturbating or peeing in the shower
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
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