I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
Well his aunt was in the next room so we had to be quiet. I felt like i was on an episode of silent library.
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
Randomize
