I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
The only good thing about ohio is that i can get 2 half gallons of soco for 40 bucks
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
I know this shouldnt be a problem, but there are too many women hitting on me. I dont know what to do
Randomize
